[ Blue Man Sings The Whites ]

Well, in the ten minutes or so I have before the Jets inevitable 2nd-half collapse, let's give you a bit of a lowdown on the Bengals' big game in Week 9...

Halfway through the season finds the division looking like this:

Pittsburgh Steelers: 8-0
CINCINNATI BENGALS: 6-2
Baltimore Ravens: 4-4
Cleveland Oranges: 2-6

Our first game of the season against Baltimore, then, is a biggie. We're two games up on them, and they're not a great team. But then, the game's at their place and, if I'm being brutally honest, we're not exactly a great team, either.

Oh, and it's raining. Lovely.

We're definitely slowing up. It takes four whole snaps this week before we come up with a massive play - Baltimore QB Chris Redman, living proof that we're not the only team in the league putting the least-bad player on our roster under centre, has to run for his life to escape Justin Smith who's marauding through the left side of the pocket like a longship full of vikings. Redman dances away only to get clobbered from behind by Bernardo Harris... whoops, there goes the ball - the Bengal Secondary Collective falls on it, and we're in business.

Quoth the raven - "Butterfingers!"

A deep play-pass that hits Willie Jackson on the corner-route puts us at the 7, but even as depleted as it's become this year, the Baltimore D is still no picnic and we just can't punch it in. Anderson slots a 19 yard FG, though, and it's 3-zip.

Don't get me wrong. I don't -like- it when teams like Pittsburgh or Indianapolis march straight downfield as if our defence wasn't there - but you accept it, don't you? I mean, those are great teams, with great offences, and you have to be a bit philosophical when they stick it to you in a big way.

So what's the excuse when Baltimore are doing it to you? For crying out loud. Travis Taylor is just murdering Andre Dyson deep, and finishes off the drive with a little 12-yard toss-and-catch, and we're 3-7 down.

On the next drive, we're pushed into a 3rd and 4 on our own 40. The Bengal mantra this year is, of course, "if in doubt, chuck it at the tight end." Akili drops back, crosses his fingers and prays that the line is going to hold the blitz, waits, waits and lets it go - Daniel Graham has already outrun the linebacker on him and is posting inside the free safety, he takes a fingertip catch, slaps a prospective tackler silly, and rumbles off downfield to the tune of a 42-yard gain. The very next play, they're watching Graham a bit more carefully - and that leaves Peter Warrick in single-coverage. He hooks, takes the ball on the turn, jukes the corner out of his shoes and strolls in to put us back in the lead. 10-7.

Our following drive sees us hit Willie Jackson for 34 yards on a 3rd and 8, setting up Anderson for his second FG of the day. 13-7

Another session of shouting on the sidelines has put our D in bullish mood, and for the second drive running they put the Ravens 3-and-out. The punt sails back to Chad Johnson, our rookie wideout, who promptly drops it. The Ravens recover, drive the 40 yards they have left and we're down once more - Travis Taylor taking the catch yet again, 13-14.

A minute to play in the half, and the ensuing kickoff sails out to Chad Johnson, who races up behind his blockers, then drops the ball. We drop on it, and while I set my receiver coach to slapping Chad on the head repeatedly, I decide it's probably time for safety first, and put the egg in the hands of Mr. Reliability, Corey Dillon.

Who drops it. For God's sake. We've now fumbled on our last three consecutive plays... luckily, Lorenzo Neal falls on it, and we run the clock out, but even so - damn.

Quoth the raven - "Not laughing so hard now, are you?"

Off the 2nd half kick-off, we get ourselves caught in a 3rd-and-long for what feels like the seven thousandth time today. This time, Akili tries to force it in to Peter Warrick in coverage that's just a bit too tight, and it's picked off. Jamal Lewis, who we've done a decent job containing so far (although that might just be because it's been so easy to pass on us it's not been worth giving him the ball), breaks 3 tackles on a 30-yard dash up the middle, which sets up Matt Stover to extend the Ravens' lead, 13-17.

The game is starting to peter out, neither team able to move the ball consistently, a state of affairs that suits Baltimore way more than it suits us. We get the ball back with three minutes to play, in what might well be our last chance. Very quickly, we get bogged down in a, yep, you've guessed it, 3rd-and-long. Akili Smith takes the snap, and sees the Baltimore blitz coming hard from his right. He pulls the ball down and runs for his life, linebackers closing in on him with every step, he gets the 11 yards for the 1st down and slides immediately, keeping both the drive - and himself - alive. I breathe again.

2 minutes left, 4th and 8 on halfway. Knowing exactly how likely my defence is to put the Ravens three-and-out, I've no choice but to go for it. The play called is a rollout pass to the right, looking for Lorenzo Neal, Daniel Graham or Peter Warrick flooding the strong zone. In practice, Akili rolls right and just keeps rolling, picking up a Neal block downfield and sliding in for 13 yards and another 1st down. Criminy. Two plays later, Akili once again shows tremendous patience when faced with tight coverage downfield, waiting and waiting and waiting until Peter Warrick breaks off his route and comes back across field from the right sideline having picked up a step or two on his corner. Smith lets the ball go, and Warrick takes it in, sliding delicately across the goalline on a 23-yard TD catch to give us the lead for the first time in what feels like hours - 20-17.

They've just over a minute left, but their passing game lets them down, and a 52-yard Gary Anderson field-goal as time expires is really just me rubbing salt in the wound. Final score, CIN 23-17 BAL. We're up to 7-2, and with Pittsburgh losing this week, somehow we're just one game back...

Playoff football in Bengalville? Surely not!

... 

Week 11, then, dawned bright and crisp and even. Or something. Specifically, it dawned with Pittsburgh going down to only their second defeat of the season, meaning that if we managed to turn over the Cleveland Oranges in Bengalville, we'd be tied for a share of the division lead!

Stop the world, I want to get off!

God DAMN, where did Cleveland find a defence from? We kick off the game with two possessions for a total of pretty much bog-all yards. The Oranges start with two plays - a 30-yard punt return, and a 50-yard pass from Tim Couch to Kevin Johnson. I throw another defensive-back coach on the fire, and we're 7-0 down.

Our third possession, and Akili Smith completes his first pass of the afternoon, a little dump-off to Peter Warrick, who dashes away upfield, making a whole eight yards before he puts the ball on the floor and stands there like a lemon as the Oranges recover. Our defence, led by the mostly-fit Takeo Spikes, once again force Cleveland 3-and-out due to their near-inexplicable desire to try and run, and back comes the ball to us.

No 3-and-out this time, no siree. Instead, Corey Dillon takes a pass in the flat and dives past the 1st-down marker, then in the very next play the Oranges send what seems like every defender on the field, and a few from the sidelines, on a blitz, Akili Smith panics and launches it somewhere, anywhere... Oh, right. So they sent everyone... APART from that guy covering Peter Warrick. The one who just picked off the pass. Okay, fair enough. Nice to see we're not stuck in the same old rut, and instead we're finding new and innovative ways to completely shaft ourselves. To this stage, our previously well-oiled offensive machine has run 13 plays for 15 total yards and two turnovers.

Oh, yes, I can see all you long-time Bengals fans reading this getting all misty-eyed... just like the good old days, isn't it?

Luckily, the Oranges are still trying to run, and our D is still pretty comfortable jumping all over that. After they punt, we finally, FINALLY, get a big play, Warrick taking a pass dragging under the zone, then speeding away for a big 30-yard gain. Then it's back to business as usual, and we're forced to punt for the seven hundredth time this afternoon.

Oranges: Run, run, run, punt. This is fun, can we do it all day?

Not that our running game is setting the world on fire, but it seems that Akili has finally woken up and remembered what he's being paid for. Having been 3-from-7 for 41 yards to this point, he suddenly goes 5-from-6 for 53 yards, including the last play of the drive, a 2-yard pass on 3rd and goal that finds Willie Jackson wide open on a short slant. 7-7. Thank God this half's over.

Except it isn't, is it? Our secondary goes absent without clue, the Oranges march 61 yards in 32 seconds and only stop when they run out of time. Halftime, CLE 10-7 CIN, and maybe the worst 30 minutes of football in the history of the game. God's sake.

First possession of the second half, and more evidence that it maybe isn't going to be our day. On 3rd and 2, Cleveland's William Green has the ball stripped, way short of the first down... until it's picked up by the Oranges' centre, who, of course, rumbles 8 yards to pick up the 1st. Two plays later, Couch hits Johnson, who shrugs off so-called "strong" safety Aric Morris like he's not there, and tears off for a 55-yard TD. This is sick and wrong. 17-7 to Cleveland.

It's do or die, and, to my surprise, we vote for the first option. On 3rd and 10, Smith rolls out, sets his feet and lets the ball go a picosecond before vanishing underneath three linebackers. Lorenzo Neal takes the catch on the sideline, and trundles 32 yards to put us in scoring range. But hey, we enjoy these 3rd-and-10s so much, let's have another! This time, Peter Warrick posts in off a play-pass, Smith gets him the egg and we're camped on the 2-yard line. Even in this form, Corey Dillon can go two yards in 3 attempts, and we're back in the game.

For about ten seconds. In what's becoming a depressingly regular sight, the Oranges take the following kickoff back 92 yards, and the special teams coach joins the d-backs' on the barbeque. 24-14 Cleveland.

We're on a roll now, though, and won't be stopped. Akili takes us 60 yards in 12 plays, Dillon punches it in from 3 yards out, and we're back to just a field-goal down, five minutes to play.

Takeo Spikes and Brian Simmons have the D's collective tails up, and they put the Oranges three-and-out once again - it seems that they either do absolutely nothing, or else they take it to the house in about three plays, there's no middleground with this Cleveland offence. The punt's a good 'un, though, and we're pinned back at our own 20.

This is the drive that wins it us, we know it, the crowd know it. We've got Cleveland's number, and we won't be stopped. Back drops Akili for the first play... Dan Graham comes open, back goes the arm, it starts forward... AND THE FRICKING BALL'S STRIPPED! I have no more sensible response than to jump up and down in apoplectic fury as it's picked up by an Oranges linebacker and run back 16 yards for the score... His arm was moving forward, it was OBVIOUSLY moving forward, you can see it on the reply, my red hanky hits the turf... do they reverse it? Do they hell. 31-21 down, and panic circuits are being engaged.

We go no-huddle, because frankly there's no way this can get any worse. And we're rolling... 8 plays, 73 yards, ending with a gorgeous lofted ball over 2 defenders to the back of the endzone, Daniel Graham taking a fantastic catch on tiptoe, and the deficit is back to 3 - 2:24 to play, and we've just two timeouts left, thanks to the idiot officials.

Going against all experience, I have to trust the defence to get the ball back for us, and damn, if they don't manage it, pulling down the Oranges' fullback less than a yard from the first on third-and-short.

Okay.

Here we go.

Our own 29, 1:57 to play. Akili hangs in the pocket and hits slot-speedster Chad Johnson over the middle - the 2nd-year wideout breaks tackles and heads upfield for an eventual gain of 30. Up to the line we hurry, and go again... this time, a play-pass on which Peter Warrick comes WWWWIIIIIIIIIIDE open on his post-out, Akili launches a bomb, inch-perfect, dropping into Warrick's hands three yards out from a certain score... and he drops it. Oh, God. Okay. Okay. No problem. Here we go again... Smith rolls out, the outside linebacker bites on the run, Akili pops it neatly over his head and Dan Graham's away, off down the sideline like a greased whippet. The Oranges eventually pull him down - 1 inch from the endzone, 55 seconds left...

Oh, we draw this out. Oh, we enjoy it. Every last second we take, using every last tick... then Lorenzo Neal hammers over the line, and we're ahead for the first time all afternoon. 35-31, 0:28 left. Close, but no fricking cigar, Orange boys! Game fricking well Over.

4 plays.

60 yards.

24 seconds.

Oh.

My.

God.

Final score CLE 38-35 CIN.

I have nothing more to say at this time. Nothing to see here. Move along. Move along.

...

After a heartbreaking loss at home to a local rival who can't even tell what colour their helmets are, there's no better way to pick yourselves up than having to go and play the Steelers at Heinz Field.

Or am I thinking of someone else?

Still, Game Of The Week - Cincinnati playing in prime-time, who saw that coming at the start of the season?

Pittsburgh receive the kick, and are soon at a 3rd and 1. They know what's coming, we know what's coming, and the defensive co-ordinator gets the call absolutely right, when Steve Foley, 260 pounds of linebacker, slips a block and knifes through to take Jerome Bettis in the backfield. Game over, fat boy! Ahahahahaaaa!... oh. Oh. you've walked through the tackle like it wasn't there... oh, you've just run 72 yards to open the scoring. Of course you have.

Amazing. It's only taken three plays for me to get utterly sick of the sight of number 36 this time. This has got "Long Evening" written all over it.

Still, like us, the Steelers play a 3-4 base defence, and we all know what 3-4 defences have problems with, don't we? It takes us 14 plays, but we grind out 66 yards almost entirely on the ground between the tackles, and it's capped off with, all together now...

"A LORENZO NEAL RUN FROM ONE YARD OUT!"

7-all. Game on!

Bettis. Bettis. Bettis. Plaxico Burress for the sake of variety and for 32 yards. Bettis all the way to the 2. Bettis. Bettis cut down in the backfield to put them 3rd-and-goal at the 5, woo hoo! Bruener. Nuts. 7-14 PIT. Game back off again.

We punt, they drive, we somehow stop them at the 25, they tack on three more, giving us the last possession of the half with 43 seconds left on the clock. Still, turnabout is fair play, and this week it's our turn for an improbable final drive. Akili takes us 67 yards in a hurry, and Old Man Anderson closing the gap to one score as time runs out on the second quarter.

We're 10-17 down, and it might as well be seven hundred points as seven. We could play until the stars burnt out without getting near the Pittsburgh endzone. Toward the middle of the fourth quarter, we patch together something approaching a drive, but stall utterly at the Steelers' 17. Gary Anderson then misses his first field goal of the season. Of course he does. It's just that sort of night.

3 plays into the following possession, we've got them caught in a 3rd-and-11, and we can at least anticipate decent field position upcoming. Stewart gives the ball to The Running Back Who Is Not To Be Named going up the middle in what's an obvious sod-it-let's-punt-just-don't-turn-the-ball-over play. Or at least, it would be if fat boy didn't proceed to shrug off my entire defence and disappear downfield to the tune of 77 yards. For. Crying. Out. Loud. 10-24 PIT.

Do or die time. Again. Akili hits the increasingly potent Peter Warrick on a 53-yard catch and run, taking us down to the 12 yard line with 24 seconds left... can we yet snatch one last spectacular victory from the jaws of defeat? Can we? Can we..?

No. Final score - CIN 10-24 PIT. Player of the game is The Unspeakable One, with 16 carries for 196 yards and 2 touchdowns... oh, yeah, but if you knock out his two runs for 149, those numbers don't look quite so slick, do they?

We fall to 7-4. Thank God we don't have to play these swine again... eh? What's that? They're in our division, we've got to play them twice a year 'till the end of time?

If anyone needs me, I'll be weeping under a table.

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(c) daniel roe 2003